Sick, Wrong, and Wonderful. Lula's, St. Paul

1: They make a deep-fried tater tot that is to die for. Have you ever had a deep-fried tater tot?

2: No.

1: They are sick, wrong, and wonderful.

Fill 'er Up. Office chatter in San Francisco.

1: It used to cost me 35 dollars to fill up my tank. Now it’s more like 40. You know what you gotta do then, is make more money. You don’t have any problems if you make more money.

2: But when you make more money, you don’t want to give it away.

1: You can’t take it with you.

Loved But Not Loving Back. 74S Eastbound, St. Paul

1: What happened with you and K?

2: She got psycho.

3: She got fat.

2: She's like, square. After two dates, she was like saying she loved me and shit. I was like, alright. I started trying to piss her off.

Bartender Brandishing a Cheap Brass Jesus. W. A. Frost, St. Paul

Stool 1: You could kill him with Jesus.

Bartender: No, Jesus is hollow.

Stool 1: Oh.

Stool 2: It appears that Jesus is for the half and half-nots.

Stool 3: It appears that Jesus is a jello mold.

Naked, Half-naked, Waxed. 55 Hiawatha Line, Eastbound, Mpls.

She: Want to go to Hooters again?

He: No.

She: Too much torture?

He: Too many naked women there.

She: They're not naked.

He: Half-naked. I just want to rip their clothes off.

She: You're crazy.

He: What the fuck are you putting on? Eye shit?

She: I need to get my eyebrows waxed.

He: Why don't you just pluck 'em?

She: I do.

Longtime Viking Fan. White Rock Coffee, St. Paul.

I'm 82 years old. I don't worry about anything. I get my coffee every morning and watch my football games. Some old people wait around all day for the mailman. That's all they do. They love the mailman. Have you ever tried coffee at this place? It's the best in town.

Just Keep Walking. 74A Westbound, St. Paul

1: Downtown St. Paul is the worst. They’re just assholes. It’s always transit cops, too. I hate transit cops. They’re the worst.

2: They’re just pissed off because they got stuck being transit cops.

1: No, they volunteer for it. They just love being pricks. No matter what you’re doing they hassle you, and say you’re breaking some law.

2: Tell her about those crazy laws in New Orleans.

1: Oh, like “molesting a cheeseburger”? Like if you’re eating a cheeseburger and a pickle falls on the sidewalk. That’s called “molesting a cheeseburger.” Or there’s “leaning with the intent to fall.” That’s if you’re leaning against a wall. My favorite is one they actually made up. My friend hangs out with this guy who tried to shoot himself with a gun in the mouth. It didn’t work but now the guy is slow and not with it. The cops love fucking with him. So they made up something called “aggravated idiocy with intent to disturb.” And for this they threw them both in jail for a week, him and my friend. They should feel sorry for the guy, but no, they don’t. They want to beat him up or throw him in jail.

3: I don’t think I want to go there.

1: It’s fun but there’s always that risk. If you’re with someone who knows New Orleans, it’s okay, because they know what to do. If you’re walking along, don’t stop, because that’s when they fuck with you. Just keep walking.

Life is Good. W. A. Frost, St. Paul

1: Life is good. Life is good. I had a friend from Montana who wanted to be in the air force. She would always say, "Life is good." She drove an old, beat-up Toyota Land Cruiser.

2: Have you seen Million Dollar Baby?

1: No, I have not. Have you seen the Harry Potter movie?

2: No.

1: You should see it. I have all the books.

'Til Death Do Us Part. Black Dog Cafe, St. Paul

I noticed that when I open the door to the coat closet, it smells like a Polish boarding house, because of all the onions that have been sauteed this week. The next time you saute onions, why don't you throw some cabbage in there, just to knock it out of the park?

Made in Minnesota or Petaluma. Mad Hatter Tea House, St. Paul

1: I notice you have some photographs.

2: Yeah. For a long time I've been photographing traditional manufacturing processes at places like Red Wing Shoes and Faribault Woolen Mills. They're both old manufacturing companies, but they figured out how to compete in the global market, and both are doing fairly well now.

1: When I lived in San Francisco, I wish I'd had time to document a twine company in Petaluma. Petaluma was a town known mostly for chickens, but now it's more upscale. They have a lot of other things going on there now. Sushi restaurants, and everything else. But when you first get off the freeway, you see this old building with the roof caved in over the parts of the factory they don't use anymore.

2: Do they still make twine?

1: Yeah. I was so intrigued, I stopped in and the guy there showed me around. It was amazing. There was this one bank of twine machines driven by leather belts.

2: Red Wing Shoes has been around 100 years this year, and they still have some of their original equipment. They made new machines modeled after the 1905 machines, and people say they don't work as well. The original machines don't break down as often.

1: Nowadays we don't want to spend the money to make something that lasts 20 years. That's why the old stuff works better. I really enjoy the old stuff, the craftsmanship. But if you have an economic model set up to make money, purely, it doesn't make sense to sink all that money into something like equipment. When resources become scarce, as they may become sometime soon here, it makes more sense to make things that last.

2: They have some washers and dryers that are 50 years old and still work. They don't have any electronics. That's the thing.

3: We bought our first fridge in 1948, and it still works. It doesn't keep the ice cream cold, but it never did.

1: It's probably not as energy-efficient as new fridges.

3: Yeah.

I Don’t Trust That Lake. DeGidio's Restaurant & Bar, St. Paul

1: They asked me to go out there, but I’m not going out on that lake. I don’t trust that lake.

2: What lake?

1: Mille Lacs.

2: I used to go out there all the time.

1: Yeah, they have three ice houses out there.

3: Well, you can’t go out now.

1: No, not now! Hey, someone jumped in there tonight. There was a bunch of police cars and they were going to try and fish out the body. You know, by the waterfall? Right by the dam. Ya know, if you’re gonna do it, do it right. Do it off the High Bridge.

People, People, Everywhere. W.A. Frost, St. Paul

1: San Francisco has a lot of people on the streets.

2: I haven't been to San Francisco in years.

1: I was there a couple years ago. I was having a couple drinks with friends, and I thought I'd walk back to my motel. The people I was with told me to take a cab. There were people sleeping on the sidewalk. I thought, if I walk purposefully, they won't bother me.

2: Were they on drugs?

1: They were asleep.

3: People are wacko.

...

1: So, um, people are very surprised at the mix of people. It's a very interesting mix.

3: I love interesting.

2: I went to a poetry reading.

1: Did you have to write a poem yourself?

2: Oh no.

3: My neighbor lady has a garden tour. She has a gorgeous azalea. It's beautiful. Mine is smaller than her's.

Two Men, One Doing All the Talking. Chino Latino, Mpls.

You responded to him with "Hide the money." Hide the money? Fuck the money. Take it.

Boho Chick. Sophie Joe's, St.Paul

1: Is there such a thing as Boho Chick?

2: You mean Boho Chic.

1: I do?

2: Yes.

1: So, it isn't C-H-I-Q-U-E?

2: No, it's C-H-I-C, and it's pronounced "chic." Do you know about fox fur? Some people call it faux fur.

Coleman for Mayor. One of the Oldest Houses, St. Paul

Readability and Dignity Among Artists
1: I'm going to a faculty meeting later. I'll bring your comic there so more people can see it. And I'll say, "Why isn't he teaching here?!"

2: Yeah. I should get to teach there because of the way they treated my brother. Because he has middle-aged eyes, he didn't want to use 8-point type on CD covers, so he got a C.

1: He's hung up on conventional notions of readability, huh? It's like saying, "This bathroom has to look perfect, so we're not putting any towels in it." Well, don't count on me to get you a job there. I have zero credibility.

2: Yeah, they point to you and say, "He's just the guy with the bongos."

1: I promise to be understated and dignified.

You're Not From Here
There's apparently a trailer park in Florida where all the retired circus freaks live. Apparently Lobsterman was abusive, and his daughter's boyfriend offed him there. I suspect you can research this on the Internet. The Internet is a wonderful thing. Remember Andre the Giant? Supposedly he would have a case of beer with a meal. His record was having 150 beers in a night out. You might want to check that out, too.
You're not from here. You missed out on a big part of the professional wrestling scene. Marty O'Neill was a sports announcer, and a little guy. Andre the Giant gave Marty O'Neill his sports coat and it went down to his feet.

Your Family Will Surprise You. Marlena's, San Francisco.

My dad is like a cover story for a midlife crisis. He just got a big Harley and goes out riding with all these guys. They're, like, Catholics and realtors in their 50s. It's a gorgeous bike, though. A big, gorgeous Harley.
My father was so mean. But when I came out, he was so nice and supportive of me. He and my brother were the nicest ones. And I thought they'd hate me. I was surprised because everybody knew anyway, and here I was working so hard to keep it a secret. I brought my boyfriend home for Easter and he and my grandmother were bonding, and I just sat back and thought, how weird is this? I was kind of disappointed because they told my grandfather. He was cool with it, he just said, "Okay." But he was so into me getting married and having kids and everything. My sister gave him a grandson, though. Illegitimate, but all the same. He's a great kid. Best thing that ever happened to my family.

Hmm, California. Chartered Bus, Interstate 80, Sacramento

I've been at weddings before where cell phones were going off all over because no one turned off their cell phones. That was weird. But this was a Lord of the Rings wedding. It was weird. The music was from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. It was at a garden in Saratoga, really pretty, but there were these little rocks everywhere that you had to walk over. It almost seemed too military. At the reception, people were wearing ears, like Elvin ears. He's white, she's Chinese. All the Chinese people were like, Huh? And all the upstate New Yorkers were like, Hmm, California.

Headed for Dallas. Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport

1. Kid and Grown-Up
Kid: Doesn't it seem like yesterday? Doesn't it seem like we just got here?
Grown-up: No.
Kid: It seems like yesterday to me, because it's so familiar.

2. Passenger Looking Out the Window at a Plane
See, now that one's going fast. That one's fast!

3. Business Woman on the Phone with T. and J.
This is A.
Yes.
Ho ho ho. I know one's T. Now who's the other?
Hey, J., how are you? Yes, you do have a distinctive voice. So what's going on you guys?
Okay. Okay. Yes. Uh huh. Yup. Okay. Yup. Right.
Um, I didn't know that. I didn't know that their parties did that, but I can see why you're doing what you're doing.
Yup. I'm sorry.

4. Business Man on the Phone with A.
This is T.
Ha!
Huh!
Man, did I not call you back? I didn't? That's not good.
Huh? I know.
Actually one day I thought I needed to tell myself I had to call A., or I had to call A.
Actually, I'm sitting in the airport in Minneapolis right now.
Actually, we just need to put it on hold.
Meeting with you was a good thing. We got the budget together. That's step 1.
She's got one of her girlfreinds who's a CPA who's putting a spreadsheet together, you know.
Well, and that's what I told her. This girl's a CPA, she said, and let's do it all in Excel. But then I told her, what are you gonna do at the end of the every month? That's the great thing about Quicken. You can just downlaod it.
Let's be realistic. This hurricane has killed me, just killed my whole month.
I have to get her to understand, we have to make a decision based on base salary, not last year.
She's actually realizing that being a stay-at-home mom is just not working. She's got to get some money saved up. She's just not doing the math.
I've slowed down a lot in the last three weeks since we had that big conversation. Y'know, since we had this hurricane.
Thank you, A.

Muslin Bunnies. A Kitchen Table, St. Paul

You're like me, and you're like me. You have bookshelves full of books. You can never have enough bookshelves because you have more books than you know what to do with. But my sister-in-law bought this house in Lake Geneva, with built-in bookshelves, and she didn't put one book in them. All she had in them was muslin bunnies.

College Girls. Coffee News Cafe, St. Paul

1: Even if she doesn't know anything about it, she wants to have a conversation about it.

2: People who are more educated tend to want to listen more.

1: It's just such a burdening process. I'm the only person with intellect she knows, I'm the only one pushing her in the other direction. Everyone else supports what she says. It's just so good to see what's on the other side of the tracks. You learn to defend yourself, articulate your position. We went out for a drink one night and I was, like, ready to leave. They were just talking about Mexicans and how they take our jobs. I said, these are people from Central and South America, poor countries, and they come here for a better life. There was a time when America offered a better life, and Europeans came here. And I guarantee you, if Canada had a better life you'd be running for the border. And she's like, I guess you're right. And I'm like, whew, watch your mouth.

2: It's so hard for them, too. Like, they cross rivers, or stay in the back of a car for four days to get here.

1: Last week I ended up waiting at someone's house for a pregnant woman who never showed up. So then this other woman who was there started asking me questions, about what I do, about my travels in Mexico, the people I stayed with. She asked, "What do they eat over there? Did you cook them American food?" And I said, "What do you consider American food?" She said, "I don't know. Cornbread." Then we started talking about Rita, and how sad it is for these people, and how the government is letting them down. And that was really interesting. She said, "I don't know what you believe in, but the bible says you get back what you give." She was talking about karma. I don't know. You know when you're having a conversation with someone, but you're also having a sub-conversation in your head? I censor myself, because there's just so much going on up there. But it was great. I was getting paid to help this pregnant woman, but instead I'm having this interesting conversation with this other person.