Things Californians Would Never Say

I appreciate your candor in that regard.

- From a conversation between a native midwesterner and a customer service representative from a domain host

Jazz Music Is Similar. Artist's Quarter, St. Paul

1: I'm glad The Artist's Quarter exists. The bathroom situation is a little different. But good enough.

2: Good music.

1: You know what they say about classical music being good for your brain? I feel like jazz music is similar.

Cleaner Than My Ex-Wife. West 7th Street, St. Paul

Those dogs are cleaner than my ex-wife. And I'd say they're a lot prettier, too.

I Woke Up So Happy. 55 Hiawatha LRT Westbound

Oh my god! I woke up so happy this morning. I dreamt I was shopping, and it was so real.

I'll be at Spanky's. 74S Eastbound, St. Paul

Can you tell her to call me please? Because this is an emergency, and I need to talk to her. I'll be at Spanky's. The number is ...-...-....
***
My friend's 13-year old son got busted for having alcohol in her house. And now he just got caught stealing two guns from Walmart. With his friend. Are you still there?

I'm Talking About Hot Dogs. The St. Paul Grill.

1: I would really like to be in that picture right now. With naked Victorian women.

2: I just think it's really interesting. That was like the goddess body. You know, I wore a bigger size in the 7th grade than I do now.

1: I could really go for a hot dog right now.

3: You're talking about cocktail weenies?

1: No, I'm talking about hot dogs.

Prom Night. Ficocello's Hair Styling Salon.

So you think I should just use silver eye shadow or should I try to find some yellow? Should I just use silver and black? I have silver accessories.
How much should I charge for liquor?