Will She or Won't She? fhima's, St. Paul

She: I didn't want to do it. He asked me.

He: Oh. He asked you.

She: I mean, I was gonna do it. Now don't say anything.

He: I won't. Trust me.

She: It'll never happen with us. Because we're not like that. You know who I am. This is who I am.

He: Totally. 100%. Definitely.

She: Hey, I can feel it. You know me.

Philosophers of Childrearing. Rudies Coffeehouse, St. Paul

1: We were thinking maybe we should teach my daughter stenography. She could actually get things written down in a logical way. What do you think of that?

2: I think it's cool. My mom used to do that.

1: No, but for someone like my daughter?

2: I don't know how she learns. Maybe she learns better by listening.

1: Yeah, she does.

3: The problem is when you take notes, you're trying to write rather than listen. You're just concentrating on a sentence behind you, rather than processing anything in your head. When I was in college, I used to just always doodle. And I got better grades than my girlfriend, who would study and study and study. I personally found that when I took any notes at all, it didn't work. That's my position.

1: We're debating sending my daughter to stenography school before she goes to college.

4: Shorthand, that is such a bizarre thing.

2: Is she interested?

1: No, we're still debating this between the adult units.

4: I don't know about her.

1: She's 17.

2: I thought kids in college brought the laptops into class now?

1: But she doesn't have the skill.

2: Well, teach her typing.

1: We've tried.

4: Maybe you could get her a shock collar. It's a little unorthodox, and I wouldn't tell anybody. In fact I got one you could use.

1: Maybe a wireless fence, too, to keep her in the yard?

4: I think she needs some kind of unorthodox, politically-incorrect training, possibly.

1: When she was younger, we had this harness she had to step into, put her arms through, and it zipped up the back, and it had a D-ring on it. Because she used to wander off.

2: Like a leash? A kiddie leash? I used to feel sorry for kids on leashes.

1: We'd used to go to the malls, and you should've seen the moms and how they'd look at us.

4: I love it! It means you have control of your kid.

1: My daughter's the kind that would, you know, you'd be walking along, and she'd wander off because there was something shiny across the aisle.

3: Maybe it was the mask, with the zipper eyes?

1: No, we didn't have that.

4: "She's seen too much today, zip up the eyes. She's over-stimulated."

3: The little blinders, that's what you should've gotten.

4: You have two D-rings, so you could've put the suitcase handle on, picked her up with the zipped eyes.

1: I spent a lot of time holding her where she was screaming at the top of her lungs, flailing her arms, kicking me, as we exited whatever establishment we were in as quickly as possible. Something set her off.

4: What tender age was that? 12?

1: 2 , 3, 4, 5.

3: Has it stopped yet?

1: There's times when it hasn't. We went to this restaurant, the Khyber Pass, used to be on St. Clair. We went in with my folks, sat down, got the waters, got the menus, and she's screaming. She'd screamed since we got in there. Put her in the highchair, she's screaming. This other couple walks in with their parents and two kids, just like us, and my parents and wife and I looked at each other and we picked everybody up, and we left, and this other couple and their parents and kids sat down, just like that. We went home and cooked macaroni and cheese or something, ya know.

2: You were in the wrong frame.

1: What do you do with a kid like that?

4: Well, you don't take them out to restaurants.

1: Yeah, you just can't go with your parents out to dinner, even though you're dying to go out.

4: Yeah, no.

1: And they're paying. You could go someplace interesting!

4: They should have paid for babysitting, too.

1: Oh.

3: I think it's gotten a lot worse, though, with kids.

2: Yeah.

3: Like, running around restaurants.

4: Uh-huh.

3: My friend, who goes down to the Glockenspiel, I don't know if you know who she is, she used to work up at--I think it was Players, in the Mall of America. And one of the guys that was serving--you know they have the door with the window way up high--opened the door up, you usually kick it our push it--SMACK, right in this kid's face. He felt really bad about it, but ya know, he couldn't see the kid. Mom and dad, nowhere to be found. It's like, [worried voice] "Where's your mom and dad?", [tiny voice] "Over there ..."

2: Why are you standing in front of a swinging door?

3: I don't know, I think the punishment for the parents for letting the kid do that would be to take your serving tray and [swings].

2: Smack 'em.

3: That's what you did to your kid, by the way.

4: Well, it was a good lesson. This is what happens when you stand in front of a swinging door, and you're too short to be seen through the window. Pow.

3: Well I think the kid was probably running by, and you know, caught it, as he came out.

4: Either, either way.

1: Either way.

Cell Phone Man. Figlio at Lake & Hennepin, Mpls.

1.
So what's the plan then, where are you going now?
Would you please call me when you're done?
2.
So what's the scoop, are you staying in or coming out?
R. and I were going to go out but he had an anxiety attack. He was fucking blaming me for everything.
Where are you, where are you?
I'm on 20th and Hennepin, you gotta walk down here.
Just meet me at Lunds.
Man, you gotta chill the fuck out.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, he says.
So you're gonna lose it again?
I'm the one that's supposed to be stressed out, and I'm not gonna lie about it.
You there? You there? Hello?
3.
Sorry about that.
So basically he's got anxiety because he's got this video camera thing. He's got this huge camera, but it's a relative's. So he called me.
It's just that this guy couldn't bear it.