Just Keep Walking. 74A Westbound, St. Paul

1: Downtown St. Paul is the worst. They’re just assholes. It’s always transit cops, too. I hate transit cops. They’re the worst.

2: They’re just pissed off because they got stuck being transit cops.

1: No, they volunteer for it. They just love being pricks. No matter what you’re doing they hassle you, and say you’re breaking some law.

2: Tell her about those crazy laws in New Orleans.

1: Oh, like “molesting a cheeseburger”? Like if you’re eating a cheeseburger and a pickle falls on the sidewalk. That’s called “molesting a cheeseburger.” Or there’s “leaning with the intent to fall.” That’s if you’re leaning against a wall. My favorite is one they actually made up. My friend hangs out with this guy who tried to shoot himself with a gun in the mouth. It didn’t work but now the guy is slow and not with it. The cops love fucking with him. So they made up something called “aggravated idiocy with intent to disturb.” And for this they threw them both in jail for a week, him and my friend. They should feel sorry for the guy, but no, they don’t. They want to beat him up or throw him in jail.

3: I don’t think I want to go there.

1: It’s fun but there’s always that risk. If you’re with someone who knows New Orleans, it’s okay, because they know what to do. If you’re walking along, don’t stop, because that’s when they fuck with you. Just keep walking.

Life is Good. W. A. Frost, St. Paul

1: Life is good. Life is good. I had a friend from Montana who wanted to be in the air force. She would always say, "Life is good." She drove an old, beat-up Toyota Land Cruiser.

2: Have you seen Million Dollar Baby?

1: No, I have not. Have you seen the Harry Potter movie?

2: No.

1: You should see it. I have all the books.

'Til Death Do Us Part. Black Dog Cafe, St. Paul

I noticed that when I open the door to the coat closet, it smells like a Polish boarding house, because of all the onions that have been sauteed this week. The next time you saute onions, why don't you throw some cabbage in there, just to knock it out of the park?

Made in Minnesota or Petaluma. Mad Hatter Tea House, St. Paul

1: I notice you have some photographs.

2: Yeah. For a long time I've been photographing traditional manufacturing processes at places like Red Wing Shoes and Faribault Woolen Mills. They're both old manufacturing companies, but they figured out how to compete in the global market, and both are doing fairly well now.

1: When I lived in San Francisco, I wish I'd had time to document a twine company in Petaluma. Petaluma was a town known mostly for chickens, but now it's more upscale. They have a lot of other things going on there now. Sushi restaurants, and everything else. But when you first get off the freeway, you see this old building with the roof caved in over the parts of the factory they don't use anymore.

2: Do they still make twine?

1: Yeah. I was so intrigued, I stopped in and the guy there showed me around. It was amazing. There was this one bank of twine machines driven by leather belts.

2: Red Wing Shoes has been around 100 years this year, and they still have some of their original equipment. They made new machines modeled after the 1905 machines, and people say they don't work as well. The original machines don't break down as often.

1: Nowadays we don't want to spend the money to make something that lasts 20 years. That's why the old stuff works better. I really enjoy the old stuff, the craftsmanship. But if you have an economic model set up to make money, purely, it doesn't make sense to sink all that money into something like equipment. When resources become scarce, as they may become sometime soon here, it makes more sense to make things that last.

2: They have some washers and dryers that are 50 years old and still work. They don't have any electronics. That's the thing.

3: We bought our first fridge in 1948, and it still works. It doesn't keep the ice cream cold, but it never did.

1: It's probably not as energy-efficient as new fridges.

3: Yeah.

I Don’t Trust That Lake. DeGidio's Restaurant & Bar, St. Paul

1: They asked me to go out there, but I’m not going out on that lake. I don’t trust that lake.

2: What lake?

1: Mille Lacs.

2: I used to go out there all the time.

1: Yeah, they have three ice houses out there.

3: Well, you can’t go out now.

1: No, not now! Hey, someone jumped in there tonight. There was a bunch of police cars and they were going to try and fish out the body. You know, by the waterfall? Right by the dam. Ya know, if you’re gonna do it, do it right. Do it off the High Bridge.

People, People, Everywhere. W.A. Frost, St. Paul

1: San Francisco has a lot of people on the streets.

2: I haven't been to San Francisco in years.

1: I was there a couple years ago. I was having a couple drinks with friends, and I thought I'd walk back to my motel. The people I was with told me to take a cab. There were people sleeping on the sidewalk. I thought, if I walk purposefully, they won't bother me.

2: Were they on drugs?

1: They were asleep.

3: People are wacko.

...

1: So, um, people are very surprised at the mix of people. It's a very interesting mix.

3: I love interesting.

2: I went to a poetry reading.

1: Did you have to write a poem yourself?

2: Oh no.

3: My neighbor lady has a garden tour. She has a gorgeous azalea. It's beautiful. Mine is smaller than her's.

Two Men, One Doing All the Talking. Chino Latino, Mpls.

You responded to him with "Hide the money." Hide the money? Fuck the money. Take it.

Boho Chick. Sophie Joe's, St.Paul

1: Is there such a thing as Boho Chick?

2: You mean Boho Chic.

1: I do?

2: Yes.

1: So, it isn't C-H-I-Q-U-E?

2: No, it's C-H-I-C, and it's pronounced "chic." Do you know about fox fur? Some people call it faux fur.

Coleman for Mayor. One of the Oldest Houses, St. Paul

Readability and Dignity Among Artists
1: I'm going to a faculty meeting later. I'll bring your comic there so more people can see it. And I'll say, "Why isn't he teaching here?!"

2: Yeah. I should get to teach there because of the way they treated my brother. Because he has middle-aged eyes, he didn't want to use 8-point type on CD covers, so he got a C.

1: He's hung up on conventional notions of readability, huh? It's like saying, "This bathroom has to look perfect, so we're not putting any towels in it." Well, don't count on me to get you a job there. I have zero credibility.

2: Yeah, they point to you and say, "He's just the guy with the bongos."

1: I promise to be understated and dignified.

You're Not From Here
There's apparently a trailer park in Florida where all the retired circus freaks live. Apparently Lobsterman was abusive, and his daughter's boyfriend offed him there. I suspect you can research this on the Internet. The Internet is a wonderful thing. Remember Andre the Giant? Supposedly he would have a case of beer with a meal. His record was having 150 beers in a night out. You might want to check that out, too.
You're not from here. You missed out on a big part of the professional wrestling scene. Marty O'Neill was a sports announcer, and a little guy. Andre the Giant gave Marty O'Neill his sports coat and it went down to his feet.

Your Family Will Surprise You. Marlena's, San Francisco.

My dad is like a cover story for a midlife crisis. He just got a big Harley and goes out riding with all these guys. They're, like, Catholics and realtors in their 50s. It's a gorgeous bike, though. A big, gorgeous Harley.
My father was so mean. But when I came out, he was so nice and supportive of me. He and my brother were the nicest ones. And I thought they'd hate me. I was surprised because everybody knew anyway, and here I was working so hard to keep it a secret. I brought my boyfriend home for Easter and he and my grandmother were bonding, and I just sat back and thought, how weird is this? I was kind of disappointed because they told my grandfather. He was cool with it, he just said, "Okay." But he was so into me getting married and having kids and everything. My sister gave him a grandson, though. Illegitimate, but all the same. He's a great kid. Best thing that ever happened to my family.

Hmm, California. Chartered Bus, Interstate 80, Sacramento

I've been at weddings before where cell phones were going off all over because no one turned off their cell phones. That was weird. But this was a Lord of the Rings wedding. It was weird. The music was from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. It was at a garden in Saratoga, really pretty, but there were these little rocks everywhere that you had to walk over. It almost seemed too military. At the reception, people were wearing ears, like Elvin ears. He's white, she's Chinese. All the Chinese people were like, Huh? And all the upstate New Yorkers were like, Hmm, California.

Headed for Dallas. Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport

1. Kid and Grown-Up
Kid: Doesn't it seem like yesterday? Doesn't it seem like we just got here?
Grown-up: No.
Kid: It seems like yesterday to me, because it's so familiar.

2. Passenger Looking Out the Window at a Plane
See, now that one's going fast. That one's fast!

3. Business Woman on the Phone with T. and J.
This is A.
Yes.
Ho ho ho. I know one's T. Now who's the other?
Hey, J., how are you? Yes, you do have a distinctive voice. So what's going on you guys?
Okay. Okay. Yes. Uh huh. Yup. Okay. Yup. Right.
Um, I didn't know that. I didn't know that their parties did that, but I can see why you're doing what you're doing.
Yup. I'm sorry.

4. Business Man on the Phone with A.
This is T.
Ha!
Huh!
Man, did I not call you back? I didn't? That's not good.
Huh? I know.
Actually one day I thought I needed to tell myself I had to call A., or I had to call A.
Actually, I'm sitting in the airport in Minneapolis right now.
Actually, we just need to put it on hold.
Meeting with you was a good thing. We got the budget together. That's step 1.
She's got one of her girlfreinds who's a CPA who's putting a spreadsheet together, you know.
Well, and that's what I told her. This girl's a CPA, she said, and let's do it all in Excel. But then I told her, what are you gonna do at the end of the every month? That's the great thing about Quicken. You can just downlaod it.
Let's be realistic. This hurricane has killed me, just killed my whole month.
I have to get her to understand, we have to make a decision based on base salary, not last year.
She's actually realizing that being a stay-at-home mom is just not working. She's got to get some money saved up. She's just not doing the math.
I've slowed down a lot in the last three weeks since we had that big conversation. Y'know, since we had this hurricane.
Thank you, A.

Muslin Bunnies. A Kitchen Table, St. Paul

You're like me, and you're like me. You have bookshelves full of books. You can never have enough bookshelves because you have more books than you know what to do with. But my sister-in-law bought this house in Lake Geneva, with built-in bookshelves, and she didn't put one book in them. All she had in them was muslin bunnies.

College Girls. Coffee News Cafe, St. Paul

1: Even if she doesn't know anything about it, she wants to have a conversation about it.

2: People who are more educated tend to want to listen more.

1: It's just such a burdening process. I'm the only person with intellect she knows, I'm the only one pushing her in the other direction. Everyone else supports what she says. It's just so good to see what's on the other side of the tracks. You learn to defend yourself, articulate your position. We went out for a drink one night and I was, like, ready to leave. They were just talking about Mexicans and how they take our jobs. I said, these are people from Central and South America, poor countries, and they come here for a better life. There was a time when America offered a better life, and Europeans came here. And I guarantee you, if Canada had a better life you'd be running for the border. And she's like, I guess you're right. And I'm like, whew, watch your mouth.

2: It's so hard for them, too. Like, they cross rivers, or stay in the back of a car for four days to get here.

1: Last week I ended up waiting at someone's house for a pregnant woman who never showed up. So then this other woman who was there started asking me questions, about what I do, about my travels in Mexico, the people I stayed with. She asked, "What do they eat over there? Did you cook them American food?" And I said, "What do you consider American food?" She said, "I don't know. Cornbread." Then we started talking about Rita, and how sad it is for these people, and how the government is letting them down. And that was really interesting. She said, "I don't know what you believe in, but the bible says you get back what you give." She was talking about karma. I don't know. You know when you're having a conversation with someone, but you're also having a sub-conversation in your head? I censor myself, because there's just so much going on up there. But it was great. I was getting paid to help this pregnant woman, but instead I'm having this interesting conversation with this other person.

Lamenting and Knitting. Nina's Coffee Cafe, St. Paul

Lamenting
I've got maybe two friends--yeah, two--that I talk to. One of them, we were lovers for a while. The second is just a friend. We talk about what's going on rather than, you know. When I see him, it's always about what you've been doing, not who you've been doing.

Knitting
1: I thought this was a knitting circle.

2: We haven't begun yet. We were talking about you. Was I rude to you on the phone?

1: You weren't rude on the phone. Do you know how often I use that tone? I've learned not to answer the phone. Especially in the middle of a diaper change ... This is the yarn I got at Target for a dollar a skein. Don't tell anyone. A dollar a skein.

3: Target has yarn?

1: In their dollar bin.

2: Where's their dollar bin?

1: Right by the door, to the right. When was the last time you were at Target?

2: 15 minutes ago. I know my Targets. That's why I'm looking at you like you're crazy. Which Target are we talking about here?

1: Midway. Right on University, near Snelling, or Hamline. Right on University.

First Date. Axel's Bonfire, St. Paul

I was like seven. I wrote all the lyrics. And my oldest brother wrote a little part of it. It was like, [singing] "I have eyes like a ray, I never lay." Which is funny, because we meant lay down. I swear to God, don't make fun of me. "And when the zombies come, everyone runs." And my brother's keyboard part was like, [singing] neer, neer, neer, neer.

Tasmanian Devil, that's a fuckin' redneck thing. That just blows my mind. Tasmanian Devil and white trash. That just blows my mind. They're like, I'm so crazy, I could kick your ass. You think they even watch the show? On Saturday mornings, you think they watch? I don't think they do. They're just like, "Taz, he's fuckin' crazy."

You've never seen Desperate Housewives? At the beginning, it's like, the Garden of Eden, the apple?

What's your favorite drink? Beer?
I want a martini.

Habachi Shrimp. Black Dog Cafe, St. Paul

1: My grandfather's nearly blind. We drove him up here. During his midlife crisis, he was in some hotel room in Maryland, everything was carpet. Walls, ceiling, everything. He thought it was the coolest thing ever. So he started collecting carpet for his attic, and did it up. This was during the sexual revolution, Playboy was very big and kitschy.

2: This place still exists?

1: Yes. And now they're trying to sell the house with the carpet in the attic intact. Everyone wants to get rid of it. I want to get rid of it. But the problem is he used this really weird glue and it's impossible to take off. And there are weird signs all over, like "George Washington never lied in bed," with a picture of George Washington's butt over a bed. And of course, everything's black-lit. It goes on and on and on.

2: Oh my god.

1: So I realized that this is not a normal thing to have in your grandparent's attic. And that's where all the kids' toys were.

2: [Laughter]

1: So he lost a leg this year. His life is about consumption. He can't see, he can't really walk. But he can taste. So yesterday we were at a family party. It's a very big deal for him to come up here. He's from the Chicago area. He refused to eat anything. And we asked, "What do you want, Grandpa?" And he said, "Habachi shrimp." He knew exactly what he wanted.

Will She or Won't She? fhima's, St. Paul

She: I didn't want to do it. He asked me.

He: Oh. He asked you.

She: I mean, I was gonna do it. Now don't say anything.

He: I won't. Trust me.

She: It'll never happen with us. Because we're not like that. You know who I am. This is who I am.

He: Totally. 100%. Definitely.

She: Hey, I can feel it. You know me.

Philosophers of Childrearing. Rudies Coffeehouse, St. Paul

1: We were thinking maybe we should teach my daughter stenography. She could actually get things written down in a logical way. What do you think of that?

2: I think it's cool. My mom used to do that.

1: No, but for someone like my daughter?

2: I don't know how she learns. Maybe she learns better by listening.

1: Yeah, she does.

3: The problem is when you take notes, you're trying to write rather than listen. You're just concentrating on a sentence behind you, rather than processing anything in your head. When I was in college, I used to just always doodle. And I got better grades than my girlfriend, who would study and study and study. I personally found that when I took any notes at all, it didn't work. That's my position.

1: We're debating sending my daughter to stenography school before she goes to college.

4: Shorthand, that is such a bizarre thing.

2: Is she interested?

1: No, we're still debating this between the adult units.

4: I don't know about her.

1: She's 17.

2: I thought kids in college brought the laptops into class now?

1: But she doesn't have the skill.

2: Well, teach her typing.

1: We've tried.

4: Maybe you could get her a shock collar. It's a little unorthodox, and I wouldn't tell anybody. In fact I got one you could use.

1: Maybe a wireless fence, too, to keep her in the yard?

4: I think she needs some kind of unorthodox, politically-incorrect training, possibly.

1: When she was younger, we had this harness she had to step into, put her arms through, and it zipped up the back, and it had a D-ring on it. Because she used to wander off.

2: Like a leash? A kiddie leash? I used to feel sorry for kids on leashes.

1: We'd used to go to the malls, and you should've seen the moms and how they'd look at us.

4: I love it! It means you have control of your kid.

1: My daughter's the kind that would, you know, you'd be walking along, and she'd wander off because there was something shiny across the aisle.

3: Maybe it was the mask, with the zipper eyes?

1: No, we didn't have that.

4: "She's seen too much today, zip up the eyes. She's over-stimulated."

3: The little blinders, that's what you should've gotten.

4: You have two D-rings, so you could've put the suitcase handle on, picked her up with the zipped eyes.

1: I spent a lot of time holding her where she was screaming at the top of her lungs, flailing her arms, kicking me, as we exited whatever establishment we were in as quickly as possible. Something set her off.

4: What tender age was that? 12?

1: 2 , 3, 4, 5.

3: Has it stopped yet?

1: There's times when it hasn't. We went to this restaurant, the Khyber Pass, used to be on St. Clair. We went in with my folks, sat down, got the waters, got the menus, and she's screaming. She'd screamed since we got in there. Put her in the highchair, she's screaming. This other couple walks in with their parents and two kids, just like us, and my parents and wife and I looked at each other and we picked everybody up, and we left, and this other couple and their parents and kids sat down, just like that. We went home and cooked macaroni and cheese or something, ya know.

2: You were in the wrong frame.

1: What do you do with a kid like that?

4: Well, you don't take them out to restaurants.

1: Yeah, you just can't go with your parents out to dinner, even though you're dying to go out.

4: Yeah, no.

1: And they're paying. You could go someplace interesting!

4: They should have paid for babysitting, too.

1: Oh.

3: I think it's gotten a lot worse, though, with kids.

2: Yeah.

3: Like, running around restaurants.

4: Uh-huh.

3: My friend, who goes down to the Glockenspiel, I don't know if you know who she is, she used to work up at--I think it was Players, in the Mall of America. And one of the guys that was serving--you know they have the door with the window way up high--opened the door up, you usually kick it our push it--SMACK, right in this kid's face. He felt really bad about it, but ya know, he couldn't see the kid. Mom and dad, nowhere to be found. It's like, [worried voice] "Where's your mom and dad?", [tiny voice] "Over there ..."

2: Why are you standing in front of a swinging door?

3: I don't know, I think the punishment for the parents for letting the kid do that would be to take your serving tray and [swings].

2: Smack 'em.

3: That's what you did to your kid, by the way.

4: Well, it was a good lesson. This is what happens when you stand in front of a swinging door, and you're too short to be seen through the window. Pow.

3: Well I think the kid was probably running by, and you know, caught it, as he came out.

4: Either, either way.

1: Either way.

Cell Phone Man. Figlio at Lake & Hennepin, Mpls.

1.
So what's the plan then, where are you going now?
Would you please call me when you're done?
2.
So what's the scoop, are you staying in or coming out?
R. and I were going to go out but he had an anxiety attack. He was fucking blaming me for everything.
Where are you, where are you?
I'm on 20th and Hennepin, you gotta walk down here.
Just meet me at Lunds.
Man, you gotta chill the fuck out.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, he says.
So you're gonna lose it again?
I'm the one that's supposed to be stressed out, and I'm not gonna lie about it.
You there? You there? Hello?
3.
Sorry about that.
So basically he's got anxiety because he's got this video camera thing. He's got this huge camera, but it's a relative's. So he called me.
It's just that this guy couldn't bear it.