Things Californians Would Never Say

I appreciate your candor in that regard.

- From a conversation between a native midwesterner and a customer service representative from a domain host

Jazz Music Is Similar. Artist's Quarter, St. Paul

1: I'm glad The Artist's Quarter exists. The bathroom situation is a little different. But good enough.

2: Good music.

1: You know what they say about classical music being good for your brain? I feel like jazz music is similar.

Cleaner Than My Ex-Wife. West 7th Street, St. Paul

Those dogs are cleaner than my ex-wife. And I'd say they're a lot prettier, too.

I Woke Up So Happy. 55 Hiawatha LRT Westbound

Oh my god! I woke up so happy this morning. I dreamt I was shopping, and it was so real.

I'll be at Spanky's. 74S Eastbound, St. Paul

Can you tell her to call me please? Because this is an emergency, and I need to talk to her. I'll be at Spanky's. The number is ...-...-....
***
My friend's 13-year old son got busted for having alcohol in her house. And now he just got caught stealing two guns from Walmart. With his friend. Are you still there?

I'm Talking About Hot Dogs. The St. Paul Grill.

1: I would really like to be in that picture right now. With naked Victorian women.

2: I just think it's really interesting. That was like the goddess body. You know, I wore a bigger size in the 7th grade than I do now.

1: I could really go for a hot dog right now.

3: You're talking about cocktail weenies?

1: No, I'm talking about hot dogs.

Prom Night. Ficocello's Hair Styling Salon.

So you think I should just use silver eye shadow or should I try to find some yellow? Should I just use silver and black? I have silver accessories.
How much should I charge for liquor?

It Means You're Creative. Minneapolis Convention Center.

In a Conference Room ...
1: May I have your autograph?

2: Sure.

1: Look, she's left-handed, too!

2: Some people say that means my brain is in backwards.

1: No. It means you're creative.

In the Women's Bathroom ...
1: The corporate world, all of the systems we're involved in, are patriarchal. We're trying to bring it back to matriarchal. Because when women ruled the world, it was much more peaceful.

2: No wars.

In the Hallway ...
1: Excuse me, do you know where the Hyatt is? I know it's close.

2: It is close. Let's look out the window.

Inspiring and Obvious. St. Paul Art Crawl.

When you see a good work of art, it's inspiring and obvious.

No More Superheroes. S. Van Ness Post Office, San Francisco.

1: Do you have any superhero stamps?

2: No, I think we're all out. M., do you have any superheroes?

3: There are no more superheroes. They all sold out.

Jesus Looking for a Body. 74S Eastbound, St. Paul

If we don't renew our mind, you know what? We're gonna be lost in a fool's world.
You know Santa Claus? What we teach all our kids about him bringing all the presents? You know the three pigs? Cinderella? We teaching our kids the big bad wolf and Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. What about Little Red Riding Hood? Teaching our kids how to walk through the park by themselves. You can walk through the park to grandma's house if you want but don't talk to strangers. Your momma was a stranger until she breastfed you.
You know Bill Gates? The computer guy, right? He sells computers to the world, but who gets the reward?
These are myths. Jesus is a myth, too, but that's a myth we should all know because that myth is good.
We treat our animals better than humans. You go to a house now and the dog opens the door. Ain't no more Lassie, ain't no more Rin Tin Tin. You drowning, that dog ain't gonna run to the house for a rope to save you. But we put our trust in the dog. We should put our trust in Jesus.
You know that Jesus is the spirit, right? He's looking for a body to live in, right?
We have to believe in things we cannot see. Some people don't believe in Jesus. But what if they're married? How do they know the spirit of Jesus didn't get their wife or husband to look for them?

Bus Books. Randolph & Bay, St. Paul

1: What are you reading?

2: Hayduke Lives! It's a book about people who are mad at the way people mess up the environment, so they start fighting back.

1: Oh! That sounds good. I'm reading a book about the murder that happened in White Bear Lake in the early 60s.

2: Is that a new book?

1: No, I got it in a thrift store for 50 cents. It's about this three year old who died in White Bear Lake.

2: I don't know so much about that.

1: His biological mother had put him up for adoption, because she was pretty young, and, you know, that was a different time. But she went back to look for him and found out he had died. So she started investigating. This woman who had adopted him was so mean. You know, he peed a little, so she put a clothespin on his privates.

2: Oh, she was just really abusive.

1: Yes, and back then, you know, it wasn't like it is now.

2: You mean, no services? No one to help out in situations like that?

1: Well, you know, nobody knew about child abuse then.

2: Yeah, it was all very secret.

1: I like mysteries. I read mostly on the bus.

Sick, Wrong, and Wonderful. Lula's, St. Paul

1: They make a deep-fried tater tot that is to die for. Have you ever had a deep-fried tater tot?

2: No.

1: They are sick, wrong, and wonderful.

Fill 'er Up. Office chatter in San Francisco.

1: It used to cost me 35 dollars to fill up my tank. Now it’s more like 40. You know what you gotta do then, is make more money. You don’t have any problems if you make more money.

2: But when you make more money, you don’t want to give it away.

1: You can’t take it with you.

Loved But Not Loving Back. 74S Eastbound, St. Paul

1: What happened with you and K?

2: She got psycho.

3: She got fat.

2: She's like, square. After two dates, she was like saying she loved me and shit. I was like, alright. I started trying to piss her off.

Bartender Brandishing a Cheap Brass Jesus. W. A. Frost, St. Paul

Stool 1: You could kill him with Jesus.

Bartender: No, Jesus is hollow.

Stool 1: Oh.

Stool 2: It appears that Jesus is for the half and half-nots.

Stool 3: It appears that Jesus is a jello mold.

Naked, Half-naked, Waxed. 55 Hiawatha Line, Eastbound, Mpls.

She: Want to go to Hooters again?

He: No.

She: Too much torture?

He: Too many naked women there.

She: They're not naked.

He: Half-naked. I just want to rip their clothes off.

She: You're crazy.

He: What the fuck are you putting on? Eye shit?

She: I need to get my eyebrows waxed.

He: Why don't you just pluck 'em?

She: I do.

Longtime Viking Fan. White Rock Coffee, St. Paul.

I'm 82 years old. I don't worry about anything. I get my coffee every morning and watch my football games. Some old people wait around all day for the mailman. That's all they do. They love the mailman. Have you ever tried coffee at this place? It's the best in town.

Just Keep Walking. 74A Westbound, St. Paul

1: Downtown St. Paul is the worst. They’re just assholes. It’s always transit cops, too. I hate transit cops. They’re the worst.

2: They’re just pissed off because they got stuck being transit cops.

1: No, they volunteer for it. They just love being pricks. No matter what you’re doing they hassle you, and say you’re breaking some law.

2: Tell her about those crazy laws in New Orleans.

1: Oh, like “molesting a cheeseburger”? Like if you’re eating a cheeseburger and a pickle falls on the sidewalk. That’s called “molesting a cheeseburger.” Or there’s “leaning with the intent to fall.” That’s if you’re leaning against a wall. My favorite is one they actually made up. My friend hangs out with this guy who tried to shoot himself with a gun in the mouth. It didn’t work but now the guy is slow and not with it. The cops love fucking with him. So they made up something called “aggravated idiocy with intent to disturb.” And for this they threw them both in jail for a week, him and my friend. They should feel sorry for the guy, but no, they don’t. They want to beat him up or throw him in jail.

3: I don’t think I want to go there.

1: It’s fun but there’s always that risk. If you’re with someone who knows New Orleans, it’s okay, because they know what to do. If you’re walking along, don’t stop, because that’s when they fuck with you. Just keep walking.

Life is Good. W. A. Frost, St. Paul

1: Life is good. Life is good. I had a friend from Montana who wanted to be in the air force. She would always say, "Life is good." She drove an old, beat-up Toyota Land Cruiser.

2: Have you seen Million Dollar Baby?

1: No, I have not. Have you seen the Harry Potter movie?

2: No.

1: You should see it. I have all the books.